“There’s a couple billion people in the world and a million other places we could be, but you’re here with me. Take a moment just to take it in. Every high and every low led to this. I’m just so glad you exist.” – Dan + Shay

During my junior year of college, I took one of my favorite classes of all time taught by one of my favorite professors. Although I was not a religion major, I needed a religion credit, and when my advisor described the teacher and said, “If he could teach the whole world, he would,” I was instantly hooked. I began a class called “Wisdom of Israel,” which focused on the “wisdom” books of the Bible: Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Song of Solomon, and Ecclesiastes. When the time came for the final project, I chose to do research on marriage. I took a quote from Proverbs, “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all,” and I interviewed 10 happily married couples asking them to elaborate on the quote and its relevance to their spouse. There was a whole interview of questions, but it ended with that one. I got some wonderful responses.

As luck would have it, I completed the project 3 months before I began dating a man I married a year and a half later. Now, if you have read any of my blogs, you already know that I ended up divorced. For a while, I was devastated that I added to the growing percentage of failed marriages. I remember watching “Definitely, Maybe,” and it opens with Ryan Reynolds saying, “I don’t think anyone ever imagines on their wedding day they’ll be part of the 46% that doesn’t live happily ever after.”

Yup. So true.

For a long time, I wondered how I had gotten it so incredibly wrong. Before long, I got into another relationship. Determined to help myself, my boyfriend, and those that read my blog, I decided to do some real live research.

Now, if you know me or my parents, you know I grew up with happily married parents. They just celebrated the 50^th anniversary of their first date last week. So, why didn’t I just follow their lead? Why couldn’t I get my act together and just follow what I had grown up with?

I needed to broaden my search and not just copy what I had grown up with. So, I interviewed over 40 married couples. I interviewed everyone from a couple that was freshly engaged to a couple who has been married for over 60 years (and everyone in between). The interview wasn’t long, but every couple had to answer the following question:

Besides love, what is the most important quality for a good, lasting, and happy marriage?

With the results, I compiled a list of every quality mentioned and decided to share my findings with the world. After all, a good marriage can change the world. I’m not being dramatic here. My mom always said, “Marriage will either be the best or worst thing you ever do,” and she’s right. Because it’s every day, it takes over your life. If you choose well, it enriches your life and makes you and your partner better people for each other and the world around you. Plus, if you add kids to the mix, they grow up knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.

Now to the good stuff. I took everyone’s answers and narrowed it down to the core. Some couples sent back one worded answers, and some sent me back 3 pages. If you’re only interested in the list without the explanations, here you go (in no particular order):

• Appreciation
• Humor
• Tolerance
• Friendship
• Compromise
• Communication
• Common Goals
• Respect
• Selflessness
• Trust
• Intimacy
• Commitment
• Contentment
• Time
• Active Listening
• Teamwork
• Kindness

Appreciation

Some of these answers will be a bit obvious, and obviously, it’s important to appreciate your partner. It’s also important to show it or at least say it. What you do for each other is something that helps buoy your relationship. Make sure you’re grateful for what you do for each other.

Humor

“Not getting upset at inconveniences, but being able to see the good and humorous side of things is important.” Humor often dispels hard times when used appropriately. “If you are able to laugh at yourself or your partner, it helps lighten the mood.” By the way, humor was the #1 male answer.

Tolerance

This one often makes some people cringe because it sort of sounds like settling for less than your partner’s best. However, it’s so important to be patient and accept your spouse for who he or she is. Not an ideal you’ve built in your mind. You aren’t marrying someone who is going to fill a role for you, you’re marrying an individual. As one participant said, “You need to recognize that pursuing a mutually beneficial life is more rewarding and fulfilling than persuing your own personal ideals.”

Friendship

“The desirable qualities in a marriage, including common interests and activities, common values, trust, communication, wanting the best for the other person, affection, laughter, endurance, enjoying each other’s company, commitment…all fall under the category of friendship.” Perhaps it sounds cliché to talk about marrying your best friend, but when the romance fails, the groundwork of your friendship can lift your love for your spouse and ultimately save whatever the issue is. Plus, marrying your best friend also guarantees that underneath it all, you like each other.

Compromise

“We work through things no matter how long it takes – each having their say and trying to help the other understand the position, whatever that may be. We don’t always agree at the end, and we are careful never to say anything hurtful or mean on purpose when making our points, but finding the end to the discussion is important. Discussing and finding common ground before going to bed means we aren’t dwelling on things overnight and there aren’t grudges because something was left unsaid or unresolved.” Unless you marry someone who is exactly like you, you’re not going to agree on absolutely everything. There has to be give and take. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and give what the other person wants, and sometimes your partner will. Regardless, it shouldn’t always be one person giving and one taking.

Communication

“It is vital that we are constantly communicating. Whether it’s verbally or physically, talking about our day or our emotions. The way [we] communicate so effectively and openly is invaluable.” Communication was actually the #1 answer. Almost every couple said something about it. And why? You should be able to talk to your partner about anything. The ability to open up and share what you’re feeling and to be understood makes a happy, healthy relationship.

Common Goals

As previously stated, you don’t need to marry yourself, but your big goals should line up. If you’re a dating person, make sure you talk about the important stuff before you make the big commitment to one another. Do you want children? How do you agree religiously? Do you agree on politics? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? How do you want to live? Do you want to travel? What is most important to you? You see my point.

Respect

Do you constantly roll your eyes at your partner? Not to sound preachy, but be careful of that one. Respect is paramount. It’s part of the key groundwork that dictates how you’ll treat your partner and how your partner treats you. If you respect the other person, you’ll always talk nicely and lovingly.

Selflessness

“The most important quality is being selfless/putting the needs and wants of the other person before your own. Being willing to do something nice for the other person just because and not expecting anything in return. Not that you’re not taking care of yourself, but being willing to go that extra mile. If you’re both doing that for each other, neither of you should feel unloved or wanting in the relationship because you’re both putting the other person first.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Trust

“You have to be able to trust the person you are with, but you also have to trust that they are being honest with you. Both partners also have to be honest with themselves and with each other for this to work.” Can you imagine a relationship without trust? Once it’s established (and it should be from the beginning), I can say from experience that once it’s broken, it’s incredibly challenging to ever get it fully back.

Intimacy

Um, Lauren…you’re not seriously going to talk about sex on the internet…are you?

Oh yes, I am. Sex is not the only important part of intimacy, and I’m not saying you need to be doing it like bunnies, but you should enjoy being intimate with your partner. I got a lot of really personal answers to this one, so I’m not going to repeat any of the answers. There are times in life when one or both of you may not be able to have sex. There’s a variety of reasons that I won’t go into. Other than those, you should be doing it on a regular basis. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what’s best for you. Besides sex, being intimate can just involve knowing things about each other that no one else knows and keeping that trust. Sometimes, it’s just holding hands. Or writing a love note…or making out like teenagers…etc.

Commitment

“The most important thing to keep a marriage happy and lasting is the ability and desire by both parties to fulfill the vows taken at the wedding ceremony…The promises and agreements made to one another are, in fact, the only things that differentiate a marriage from a relationship between two non-married people.” Don’t forget those vows. There’s a reason we make them. Not only committing to your partner, but staying committed make your marriage.

Contentment

You can’t necessarily rely on your partner for happiness. There are times when you will lean on each other, but you should be able to feel happy on your own. Find a way to cultivate it. Growing up with my brother taught me how to keep that inner fountain of happiness going. You need to be a whole and complete person to give your whole self to someone else.

Time

Sometimes, just making time for your partner can mean so much. Establishing a date night can help with this one if you’re struggling with it. I can tell you that even in a long-distance relationship, we still have date night. We’ll put each other on FaceTime, pick out a Netflix movie and keep FaceTime rolling while we watch it. Without making time for your partner, one or both of you can end up feeling forgotten and neglected. Date night can become exceedingly more important when you throw children into the mix. Yes, they are wonderful, but parenting can be soul-sucking if you don’t make time for yourself and your partner. Establish a date night at least once a month where you can sit, talk, and connect without distractions.

Active Listening

“What is key is humbly listening to what your partner has to say, honing in on what feelings might be there (if not verbalized), and then lovingly communicating what you understand, and what you both can do/change if needed, moving forward.” Make sure you’re listening when your partner is talking. Especially if you’re having an argument, don’t plan what you’re going to say next. Sit and listen and try to see the other person’s perspective. Also, if your partner likes to talk, they want to be heard. Don’t tune out. Listening and responding well is key.

Teamwork

“It needs to be an equal partnership, so that sometimes you lean on your spouse; sometimes your spouse leans on you.” Once you get married, you become a team. A two-person team. I watched my parents be an awesome team growing up, and because of it, I had a wonderful childhood. This isn’t the 1800s. You should be equals. Share the responsibilities and the responsibility to take care of your relationship and nurture it. You don’t get to a point where you are done making your relationship work, you have to work on it every single day. If you work as a team, everything is a two-way street and you’ll feel more fulfilled.

Kindness

I once had a friend who said that in his household growing up, if someone was in an argument and you had to decide between being kind and being right, it was a rule to choose kindness. In the same way, when you get into an argument, be fair and willing to give up being right for the sake of your relationship. And besides that, just be nice to each other.

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Ultimately, all of these qualities are important. One of my favorite answers was this one: [We] have finished our discussion and have concluded that you have asked a flawed question. There is no one quality. As we discussed it, a happy marriage is the result of a thousand little choices we make every single day. The choice to be in love every day. The choice to be patient when you don’t feel it. The choice to respond with humor. The choice to let someone else give/get support. The choice to appreciate little things (yes, even things like loading the dishwasher, making the bed, leaving a small love note, taking out the trash). And on and on. There is no one quality – just lots and lots of little choices that say “us first” today and always.

I hope this post was helpful. I’ve been doing this research for almost two years, and I’m so happy to share what I’ve found with others. Bookmark it and read it when you need it. If you and your partner follow all of these, you’re going to have an amazing future together.

So much love to all of you.