Note: This is the speech I gave at my brother’s memorial service held on November 20, 2017 at The Brookwood Community in Brookshire, TX.

“What day is it?”

“It’s today!” said Piglet.

“Ah,” said Pooh, “my favorite day.”

When you’re little, brothers are these weird, stinky smelly people that seem to exist to annoy you and torture you in any way they possibly can. But as you grow up together, somewhere along that road, you realize they are your best friends and those people that you wouldn’t trade the world for. When I was little, I didn’t understand or realize how wonderful my brother really was. I didn’t understand that when he was being annoying on purpose it was his way of saying, “I love you.” I think on some level, I did, but I was also his main target for pushing buttons because my buttons were so easily pushed. This brought great enjoyment and laughter to him. In fact, nothing brought him more glee than to hear the words, “Stop it!” come out of my mouth. It would always send him into a wave of giggles that would make me mad. Adam – affectionately called Sturg, was always gentle. So when he would poke me, or pull my hair, or yank my seatbelt when he sat behind me in the car, it was always just enough to annoy me, but not enough to hurt me. As we got older, our relationship transformed out of that into something that was much deeper. I understood his ways of saying, “I love you,” a bit more, and some of the things that used to annoy me were now amusing. On top of it, when I got older, I realized that he was a living example of the way that everyone should live. My brother lived every day as his favorite day. In his 34- almost 35-years, he truly lived every day happy. It’s just one of the many ways he set an example for the rest of us. My brother was a true gentleman. He made everyone in his presence feel warm, comfortable, and welcome. He loved without condition and never judged anyone. He trusted without fear or doubt. He expected a lot, but always expected the best, and in most ways always received the best as a result. The joy he felt was an inner joy that you only know when you’re really and truly comfortable with yourself. It was a true contentment in who he was – and still is as we have found in the last few months.

Sturg always trusted that the right thing was going to happen and that everything was going to be good. One time in particular, I was about 14 or 15 and I was afraid to fly. I was on a plane with my family and my mom was sitting between me and my brother. At the time, I was feeling anxious and nervous and I was squirming in my seat before we took off. Mom knew how I was feeling and she leaned over and just said, “Everything is fine. You have nothing to worry about, and if you get nervous, just watch your brother when the plane takes off.” I looked over, and my brother just looked so calm and serene looking out the window as the plane was being maneuvered into its spot for final departure. Then, as the engines began to rev, my brother began to get excited. He waved his hands and used the seat in front of him to push his feet against so that he could propel his body up. Then, he began to laugh and he excitedly rocked back and forth and clapped his hands and his feet together as the plane began to take off and give that final rush that sends your stomach to the back of your chair. I realized that not only did Sturg have no fear, he was actually excited for the plane to sail into the sky with him inside of it. It’s a sight that still sits with me each and every time I board a plane, and any time I find myself feeling a little bit nervous, I always think of my sweet brother and the trust and expectation he had that everything was good and happy.

Sturg was also incredibly intuitive. He had these beautiful, deep green eyes, and when he looked at you, he didn’t just look at you, he seemed to look right through you and deep into your soul down to the depths of who you are and what you’re feeling. I might also add, that he loved mischief and there was always a little sparkly glint in his eye when he looked at you. He was always able to quickly assess what kind of mood you were in and what you needed according to it. Because of it, he always had a way of smiling at you, holding your hand, or if you were really lucky, giving you a hug that would just make your day better. There was one day last year when the two of us were alone in the house together. That particular day hadn’t been my best, but it was mostly due to the fact that I had spent a lot of the day taking myself too seriously. I was sitting by myself in the living room looking out the window and I heard Sturg come into the room behind me and he sat down on the sofa next to me. I could feel him look at me intently with those big, green eyes, and I knew he was assessing how I was feeling. I remember thinking, “Uh oh…what little trick do you have up your sleeve?” After a few moments, Sturg took his foot and gently poked me in my side with his toe and then yanked his foot back, sending him into a wave of giggles. For me, it completely broke the self-righteous feeling I had let ruin my day, and I couldn’t help but laugh, which just made Sturg enjoy it more, and the two us sat there laughing together. It was very humbling, but it also allowed me to release the mistakes I had made. Sturg was pretty great that way.

Sturg’s intuition is something that has continued even though he’s no longer here. One of the things I used to love was picking Sturg up at the Brookwood bus every day since he was one of the commuters here. When he would appear at the top of the stairs of the bus and see it was me, he often had a big smile for me, and when he would get in the car, we would always listen to Oldies. Now, I will tell you that his was his preference more than mine. I know my dad is going to talk about his music taste, so my part on this is brief, but Oldies were Sturg’s favorite genre. One of our favorite songs to listen to together was “Do You Believe In Magic” by The Lovin’ Spoonful. We really used to jam out to it, and Sturg used to love it because when it came on, I would roll down the windows and open up the sunroof in my car. After he passed on, I couldn’t bring myself to listen to the song without him. It was just too hard. A couple of weeks ago, I was exercising at the gym and I had my playlist on shuffle. The first song that came on was, “Red” by Taylor Swift. I went through a divorce last year and that song reminds me of it when it comes on since it’s about a breakup. During the initial breakup of my marriage, I lived at my parents’ house for about a month which gave me some time with Sturg, and one of the things that I told my mom in front of my brother was that being married to the wrong person made it feel like all the magic had been sucked out of my life. I was thinking about that as I was exercising to “Red”, and just as I was thinking about those words, “Do You Believe In Magic” was the very next song. All of a sudden, it felt like Sturg was there telling me in his own way to move on: both from my divorce and from the sadness I had felt from missing him. It just completely broke all of those feelings, and all of a sudden, I felt this joy from my brother, and though it made me cry, they were happy tears of gratitude.

I am so grateful for every one of you that has come to celebrate my brother today. Whether you are physically here or listening to this as a recording, I know you have been blessed by my brother. The biggest lesson I learned and continue to learn from him is that life is good and happy and is meant to be enjoyed and treasured. You can live each day happy if you are content and grateful for the beautiful life that God has given every one of you. Life really is good if you just let yourself be happy. Happiness isn’t something that you wait for or that you have pursue or capture. It’s yours already. If you cherish it and hold it in your heart as a priority, you’re in for a very good and joyful life the way my brother did. If you knew my brother, you know the joy I’m talking about. I feel blessed having gotten to see it first hand, but even if you didn’t or you didn’t even get to meet my brother, know that it is possible and it’s the most worthwhile peace that you could possibly find for yourself. That is my hope for each and every one of you.

Russ: He keeps asking about his future…my past. I haven’t really told him much.

Deirdre: Good.

Russ: Good? You think that’s good? Why? What would you do?

Deirdre: If little Deirdre was suddenly here? Bursting out of her St. Mary’s uniform? Asking me what comes next?

Russ: Yeah.

Deirdre: I’d say, “Baby, don’t you worry about a thing. Everything’s just going to be great.”

-The Kid

Single. Never did I ever think this word would describe my relationship status again, but here I am. Single. And divorced. And you know what? It feels fantastic.

Actually, there’s a beautiful new word that has recently made a new home in my vocabulary. Contentment. I do love her so very much, and I’m so grateful that she’s here to stay. Recently, I was texting with a friend and I found myself saying, “Contentment is the best feeling there is. It’s like happiness with sprinkles on top.” As I think about it now, contentment is really the whole cake. Being content with who you are and where your life is headed gives you the best kind of peace you could ever have.

This time last year, I was far from content. I really thought I was happily married. I thought the guy I had was perfect and that we were truly matched well. I just thought I was in a rut in my life that I was waiting to be pulled out of. I was constantly unhappy, and I blamed it all on one thing: my weight. What I didn’t realize at the time was that there were things going on underneath our marriage that I couldn’t see. A good friend whom I recently reconnected with summed it all up in one word: neglect. Ouch. Everyone else who saw my relationship seemed to see and think what I did, but this one person wrapped it all up. It was actually really freeing to finally come away from a conversation about my divorce that didn’t leave me wondering how I had intuitively known something was wrong, but still couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

When I figured out exactly what the neglect was, I will admit, it felt like getting the rug ripped out from under me. It was slightly heartbreaking, but at the same time, I knew I couldn’t take it personally. I couldn’t stick it on myself and wear it like Hester Prynne’s “A.” It wasn’t mine to wear, and if I told myself it was, I knew that was leading down a very dangerous path.

I was terrified of using the “d” word. In a marriage, there’s no coming back from it once it’s out there. But, I knew in my heart it was the right thing, so when I got up the courage that one sunny morning in October and finally said the words, I can only tell you that it felt like jumping off a cliff and sprouting wings I didn’t know I had.

As I began to move on and I started thinking about the next chapter of my life, it began to feel like this free and precious do-over. All those things I feel I did wrong 10 years ago are things I’m getting a free pass for now.

For starters, 10 years ago, I had no idea how to be single. I was extremely self-conscious, and I desperately wanted to get married and have children. My new friend, Contentment, was nowhere in sight. “The One” was all I thought about. I wanted to relax and trust that God already had this in mind for me and that it would happen at the right time, but I couldn’t make myself just calm down and wait. I didn’t feel peace in who I was because I didn’t really know, value, or understand her. I didn’t recognize that the same unique beauty and wonderful way of looking at life that I so admired in others was already within myself.

Instead, I yearned to talk to an older version of myself. I wanted to ask her so many questions: Do I get the guy? Who do I marry? What’s he like? When do I meet him? What do I look like now? Am I thin or did I “let myself go?” Am I happy? Do I have children? How many? What are their names?

You get the picture.

I ruined some of my very best years just worrying about the future. When I met and fell in love with my ex-husband and we got married, I regretted my wasted years. I yearned to go back in time and tell my younger self to cool it. I wanted to go back and tell her that God has it all figured out the way I always knew He did. I wanted to tell myself to treasure who I was. I didn’t need a man by my side for the world to see that.

When my marriage didn’t work out, I knew this uncertainty was the first thing I wanted to address, but the truth was, it had already been done for me. Standing up for myself and going through the divorce gave me that gift.

Suddenly, I realized I didn’t need to change anything to recognize who I was. She had been there all along. Now, I’m not saying I don’t need a few tweaks. I do. In fact, there are some really big ones that I’ve already started working on. But that happiness with and within yourself has become a much better starting point than, “I’ll be happy when X happens.”

So now you’re probably wondering what these tweaks are. Well, remember all that eating to fill the void I did? Yeah, well, it doesn’t go anywhere. When you don’t deal with it, it sits on you and screams, “Deal with me,” until you do.

Step 1: Lose the weight.

Now, I know what everyone says. “You’re already beautiful as you are.” “You don’t need to be a certain weight to date.” “Your man should love you anyway.” Blah blah blah. I get it. Really. I do. And I understand that this comes from a place of love, but you know what? I don’t want the excess. It’s not heathy or good for me. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m giving the world the best version of myself. That is just sad. And selfish, really. I’m denying the world the real me. Who wants to say that?

Knowing this isn’t who I really am makes it feel awkward when someone does like my personality so much he’s willing to look past the pounds in front of him. It makes me just want to say, “Ew. No. Come back to me in a few months. Then we can talk about dinner.”

So, with that said, I am super pumped for the world to meet (see) the real Lauren Kelly. Just you wait. She’s going to blow your mind…and probably mine, too. And…just in case it’s entertaining or maybe inspiring, I’ll keep writing it all down so you can come along with me as the changes take form.

#onestepatatime