“This place reminds me of Santa’s Workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.” – Elf

If there is one nugget of Truth I have learned from going through a divorce and the number of other unexpected things I’ve gone through this year…something I want every man, woman, and child to hear or read, it’s this: Don’t settle.

I’ve learned this in 3 different ways over the past year, and if you want to really know how I’ve learned this lesson in more ways than one, then keep reading.

1. I married the wrong person.

I know what you’re thinking. You just said you’re divorced. Isn’t the fact that you married the wrong person kind of obvious?

Hear me out. This is important.

I knew my ex-husband was the wrong person very early on in my relationship with him. It wasn’t quite immediate, but there were plenty of red flags that I did not heed.

I was rather enamored with him at first. He was charming and handsome and is one of those men that you feel could have any woman he wants. And he chose me. Out of all the women in the world, he picked me. Wow. I felt so lucky. He was everything I had ever wanted. I told all my friends that if you could take every quality I ever wanted in my husband and blew it up x10, you’d have this man that I was so lucky to be dating. And he wanted to marry me. Life was beautiful.

But it wasn’t.

We had been dating less than a week when he told me I was too skinny. It was a really small comment he made off-handedly that, “we have to get some meat on those bones.” I did not care for it, but I ignored it. Well, I ignored it at first.

Then he came to visit me at Thanksgiving 3 months later and it grew worse. I could see we weren’t compatible in the food department. It scared me. I had worked hard to change this issue that had been plaguing me for nearly 10 years. I was almost done losing weight when I met him. I had changed my habits and I was just waiting for my weight to bottom out to its happy point.

Over the 2 weeks he spent with my family, it threw me for a loop. We argued about food. I couldn’t make him see that eating healthy and going to the gym and being a healthy weight were important things to me. I didn’t want to spend my life with a weight issue.

Something in my gut told me I needed to break up with him. In fact, I almost felt bad that my family liked him so much because I was trying to plot out exactly how I was going to break up with him.

But your parents love him so much. If you break up with him, who knows if you’ll ever find someone this good to love you again. What makes you so special that you think you’ll find better? Is food really that important? You’re being so vain! It’s just food.

But it wasn’t just food. Food was the surface of it all, but I knew deep down there was something wrong, and I knew if I didn’t take care of it, the day would come when I would be sitting on my couch wondering what had happened to my life.

Now, let me just say I am not blaming him for what happened to me. I am not blaming him for the pounds I packed on during the 6 years I was with him. I have no one to blame but myself. However, these incompatibilities and ignoring this gut feeling that we were wrong for each other were things that were occurring to me early on.

Things escalated and the day came when I had a meltdown in a Nordstrom dressing room trying on my wedding dress a week before my wedding. I was with my mom and she knew it was more than just the fact that my dress didn’t fit. I blurted out all of the things that I had been feeling that let me know he was not the one. One of them was that we couldn’t agree on how to treat money – one of the leading causes that leads to divorce.

My mom looked me square in the face and said, “Then don’t marry him.”

I should have listened, but I swallowed my feelings and let the fear of cancelling a wedding we had been planning for over six months and the 160 people that were coming to it take over my better judgement. I married him the next week.

Then life became dark. Fast. I felt neglected. I was unhappy and I didn’t know why.

Christmas came – my favorite time of the year. It was time that was always filled with magic for me. I remembered the way I used to feel looking at the decorated tree and listening to Christmas music and taking walks with my family and just feeling that wonderful, child-like goopy feeling in my stomach that filled the holiday with magic. The first Christmas I was married, I had never felt so empty. I didn’t feel the magic of the holiday. Holidays were just days to get through. What was wrong with me?

I remember sitting in my apartment. Alone. In the dark. I would close my eyes and hope and pray that maybe…just for one single solitary glistening moment that I could feel like myself. Even if it were just for one second.

It didn’t come.

I had one small glimpse of it when my mom came to visit. It was Mother’s Day and we were in church. The final hymn that morning was a hymn she used to sing to me when I was a little girl. At that moment, singing the hymn in this big church with hundreds of people backed by a huge organ, I suddenly felt like myself. And I cried. I didn’t just cry, I bawled. My mom tucked my head beneath her chin, held me close and sang me the hymn as though I were 5-years-old again.

It didn’t last very long.

5 years went by and I finally found out that my husband had been unfaithful for the duration of our relationship. It took all that time to get to that morning in late October for me to finally pull off that bandaid I should have pulled 6 years earlier to finally break up with him.

I tell you this not to scare you, have you take pity on me, or have a hate-fest on my ex-husband. In fact, if you know him, please do not blame him for what has happened to me. Don’t let those facts taint your view of him. Like the rest of us, he’s a person with things to learn. I say this only to tell my story and to say that it took all that time when I should have followed my original instinct.

The truth is, I didn’t understand my worth, but I will get to that at the end.

Let’s move on to part 2.

2. My Parents’ Marriage

After reading the first part, you are probably wondering how there is any more I could possibly have to say, but stay with me. It’s only just getting good.

I would write a whole sentence instead of just, “My parents’ marriage,” but there are so many things to fill in the blank that I have learned from it, that I just had to use it as a heading.

When you get married, you never know what life will throw at you. You only know that you have committed to spend your life with someone else. Watching my parents over the years has let me know how important it is to marry the right person.

My parents have been through a lot over the years. My dad’s first job was not the best and my parents constantly buoyed each other up that first year. My dad made a 4-figure salary that year and at the end of the year – just 9 months after they arrived in this new place – my parents drove back home without a job in sight knowing that what they had just been through was not something they were willing to return to.

My parents have moved 5 times. Three of those times could be counted as cross-country moves. They’ve raised two children. They have gone through the moment of finding out that their first child had Down’s syndrome just moments after he was born. They figured out how to raise a child who didn’t speak and found the joy and glee that he brought them every day.

And then they went through the pain of him passing on. Now, I lost my only sibling. It was hard and painful. However, my parents lost a child. No parents want to outlive their child. I know I’m not a parent, but I know that is one of the most painful things you can possibly go through.

My parents went through it with flying colors. How? They put each other before themselves. They put their relationship above the other person. Their marriage stays at the center of it all, and they nurture it every single day. They respect each other. They don’t yell at each other. They always want to help the other.

My parents are whole and complete people on their own. Beyond that, they both know that and act accordingly. As such, as a team, they are unbeatable.

I have never seen two people love each other quite the way my parents do. It’s a different kind of love. It’s a love that sees through all else. Because they meant their wedding vows, those vows have taken them through everything that’s been thrown their way, and their relationship has weathered the storm.

Okay…let’s move on to part 3.

3. I watched two whole, complete, beautiful people marry each other this year.

You are probably wondering how I could possibly learn the “don’t settle” lesson any more than I already have, but there is one last example that brought it home for me.

So, I have two friends that I will describe separately.

The first person is a very dear friend of mine. I’ve counted her as one of my best friends for over 7 years. She’s beautiful and artistic and compassionate and full of life. She’s one of those people that you treasure every second you get to spend with her. She’ll spend hours listening to you if you need it, but she’s got an awesome sense of humor that could easily bring you to your knees laughing. I could gush even more, but I should probably stop.

I will also say that she’s the first person who knew I was going to marry my now ex-husband, and she’s also the first person besides my mom that I called to tell I was getting divorced. It’s a friendship that easily picks up where it left off when we get together, and I really couldn’t be more grateful to have such a beautiful person in my life. She’s really the cream of the crop in more ways than I can even begin to list.

Long story short, she’s pretty incredible.

The other person is someone I more knew of than someone I have known well. We lived in the same city for 2 years and though we knew each other a bit more through friends, from the times I had met him, I was well aware of the kind of person he is: thoughtful and a deep-thinker, but he’s fun and easy to talk to as well. He has a humble confidence that would let an outside eye know that he knew his own worth and God-given purpose.

On my final day living in the same city, he came over to the apartment I shared with my ex-husband to say goodbye to both of us, and the three of us had a long talk about marriage. As I sat listening to him, I realized that he completely understood what it was all about. He talked about the qualities that go into marriage, things he wanted for his own marriage, qualities he was looking for in his wife, but most of all, he talked about the things he wanted to bring to the table for his marriage.

For someone who wasn’t married and was just being quiet and letting his desire for marriage unfold, I was so impressed with the things he was looking for and what he knew he was bringing that I blurted out, “You better marry someone good.”

Now, both of these people have had relationships with people that were great. For various reasons, those relationships ended, and as an outsider looking in, I was in awe at the wisdom that led to those breakups.

And then these two incredible people began dating each other.

I still remember scrolling through Instagram and seeing that first picture of the two of them smiling at the camera – two gorgeous smiles, I might add. I immediately texted and asked if they were dating. I have never been so over-the-moon to find out two wonderful people were dating each other.

A few months later, I got to see them together during a girls’ trip with my mom to visit friends and family, and my heart exploded even more. Their relationship was blessing everyone they came in contact with, and I just felt so grateful that I was able to see it first-hand.

And then the email came that they were getting married. I was so happy, you would have thought I was the one getting married. Later, as I sat there watching them say their vows, I thought about how great God is and how wonderful life is when you let God take the reins of your life and let Him lead you where you are supposed to be.

Neither of them settled. They waited for each other. And though it may have taken some time to get together, it happened for them. I can see that they understood their worth apart and like my parents, they make an excellent team together.

So now the finale.

At one point in my life, I didn’t know how beautiful I was on my own. I didn’t know that I was whole and complete on my own two feet. I didn’t understand that I am enough all by myself.

But I am enough. I’m more than enough, I have something to offer the world. I find that out each and every day in my relationship with God, in the people I meet, the job I have, the family I love, the kitten I care for, the general things that matter to me, and the kind of relationship and marriage I know I will one day have.

I just wish I had known it then. I’m now happy and complete on my own. That is something that you must know before you ever begin to think about marriage.

Once you know that, know that you deserve someone else who is whole and complete, too.

I now have the patience to let myself find the real me – even if that means cutting myself off from dating while I find out exactly who that is. I know how to appreciate her and to build her up because the world needs her.

The world needs you, too, in the same exact way. If you don’t know that yet, start learning it, because it’s true of every being on the planet. The world needs you and the best version of yourself that you can give.

Let’s start living, shall we?

Note: This is the speech I gave at my brother’s memorial service held on November 20, 2017 at The Brookwood Community in Brookshire, TX.

“What day is it?”

“It’s today!” said Piglet.

“Ah,” said Pooh, “my favorite day.”

When you’re little, brothers are these weird, stinky smelly people that seem to exist to annoy you and torture you in any way they possibly can. But as you grow up together, somewhere along that road, you realize they are your best friends and those people that you wouldn’t trade the world for. When I was little, I didn’t understand or realize how wonderful my brother really was. I didn’t understand that when he was being annoying on purpose it was his way of saying, “I love you.” I think on some level, I did, but I was also his main target for pushing buttons because my buttons were so easily pushed. This brought great enjoyment and laughter to him. In fact, nothing brought him more glee than to hear the words, “Stop it!” come out of my mouth. It would always send him into a wave of giggles that would make me mad. Adam – affectionately called Sturg, was always gentle. So when he would poke me, or pull my hair, or yank my seatbelt when he sat behind me in the car, it was always just enough to annoy me, but not enough to hurt me. As we got older, our relationship transformed out of that into something that was much deeper. I understood his ways of saying, “I love you,” a bit more, and some of the things that used to annoy me were now amusing. On top of it, when I got older, I realized that he was a living example of the way that everyone should live. My brother lived every day as his favorite day. In his 34- almost 35-years, he truly lived every day happy. It’s just one of the many ways he set an example for the rest of us. My brother was a true gentleman. He made everyone in his presence feel warm, comfortable, and welcome. He loved without condition and never judged anyone. He trusted without fear or doubt. He expected a lot, but always expected the best, and in most ways always received the best as a result. The joy he felt was an inner joy that you only know when you’re really and truly comfortable with yourself. It was a true contentment in who he was – and still is as we have found in the last few months.

Sturg always trusted that the right thing was going to happen and that everything was going to be good. One time in particular, I was about 14 or 15 and I was afraid to fly. I was on a plane with my family and my mom was sitting between me and my brother. At the time, I was feeling anxious and nervous and I was squirming in my seat before we took off. Mom knew how I was feeling and she leaned over and just said, “Everything is fine. You have nothing to worry about, and if you get nervous, just watch your brother when the plane takes off.” I looked over, and my brother just looked so calm and serene looking out the window as the plane was being maneuvered into its spot for final departure. Then, as the engines began to rev, my brother began to get excited. He waved his hands and used the seat in front of him to push his feet against so that he could propel his body up. Then, he began to laugh and he excitedly rocked back and forth and clapped his hands and his feet together as the plane began to take off and give that final rush that sends your stomach to the back of your chair. I realized that not only did Sturg have no fear, he was actually excited for the plane to sail into the sky with him inside of it. It’s a sight that still sits with me each and every time I board a plane, and any time I find myself feeling a little bit nervous, I always think of my sweet brother and the trust and expectation he had that everything was good and happy.

Sturg was also incredibly intuitive. He had these beautiful, deep green eyes, and when he looked at you, he didn’t just look at you, he seemed to look right through you and deep into your soul down to the depths of who you are and what you’re feeling. I might also add, that he loved mischief and there was always a little sparkly glint in his eye when he looked at you. He was always able to quickly assess what kind of mood you were in and what you needed according to it. Because of it, he always had a way of smiling at you, holding your hand, or if you were really lucky, giving you a hug that would just make your day better. There was one day last year when the two of us were alone in the house together. That particular day hadn’t been my best, but it was mostly due to the fact that I had spent a lot of the day taking myself too seriously. I was sitting by myself in the living room looking out the window and I heard Sturg come into the room behind me and he sat down on the sofa next to me. I could feel him look at me intently with those big, green eyes, and I knew he was assessing how I was feeling. I remember thinking, “Uh oh…what little trick do you have up your sleeve?” After a few moments, Sturg took his foot and gently poked me in my side with his toe and then yanked his foot back, sending him into a wave of giggles. For me, it completely broke the self-righteous feeling I had let ruin my day, and I couldn’t help but laugh, which just made Sturg enjoy it more, and the two us sat there laughing together. It was very humbling, but it also allowed me to release the mistakes I had made. Sturg was pretty great that way.

Sturg’s intuition is something that has continued even though he’s no longer here. One of the things I used to love was picking Sturg up at the Brookwood bus every day since he was one of the commuters here. When he would appear at the top of the stairs of the bus and see it was me, he often had a big smile for me, and when he would get in the car, we would always listen to Oldies. Now, I will tell you that his was his preference more than mine. I know my dad is going to talk about his music taste, so my part on this is brief, but Oldies were Sturg’s favorite genre. One of our favorite songs to listen to together was “Do You Believe In Magic” by The Lovin’ Spoonful. We really used to jam out to it, and Sturg used to love it because when it came on, I would roll down the windows and open up the sunroof in my car. After he passed on, I couldn’t bring myself to listen to the song without him. It was just too hard. A couple of weeks ago, I was exercising at the gym and I had my playlist on shuffle. The first song that came on was, “Red” by Taylor Swift. I went through a divorce last year and that song reminds me of it when it comes on since it’s about a breakup. During the initial breakup of my marriage, I lived at my parents’ house for about a month which gave me some time with Sturg, and one of the things that I told my mom in front of my brother was that being married to the wrong person made it feel like all the magic had been sucked out of my life. I was thinking about that as I was exercising to “Red”, and just as I was thinking about those words, “Do You Believe In Magic” was the very next song. All of a sudden, it felt like Sturg was there telling me in his own way to move on: both from my divorce and from the sadness I had felt from missing him. It just completely broke all of those feelings, and all of a sudden, I felt this joy from my brother, and though it made me cry, they were happy tears of gratitude.

I am so grateful for every one of you that has come to celebrate my brother today. Whether you are physically here or listening to this as a recording, I know you have been blessed by my brother. The biggest lesson I learned and continue to learn from him is that life is good and happy and is meant to be enjoyed and treasured. You can live each day happy if you are content and grateful for the beautiful life that God has given every one of you. Life really is good if you just let yourself be happy. Happiness isn’t something that you wait for or that you have pursue or capture. It’s yours already. If you cherish it and hold it in your heart as a priority, you’re in for a very good and joyful life the way my brother did. If you knew my brother, you know the joy I’m talking about. I feel blessed having gotten to see it first hand, but even if you didn’t or you didn’t even get to meet my brother, know that it is possible and it’s the most worthwhile peace that you could possibly find for yourself. That is my hope for each and every one of you.

Russ: He keeps asking about his future…my past. I haven’t really told him much.

Deirdre: Good.

Russ: Good? You think that’s good? Why? What would you do?

Deirdre: If little Deirdre was suddenly here? Bursting out of her St. Mary’s uniform? Asking me what comes next?

Russ: Yeah.

Deirdre: I’d say, “Baby, don’t you worry about a thing. Everything’s just going to be great.”

-The Kid

Single. Never did I ever think this word would describe my relationship status again, but here I am. Single. And divorced. And you know what? It feels fantastic.

Actually, there’s a beautiful new word that has recently made a new home in my vocabulary. Contentment. I do love her so very much, and I’m so grateful that she’s here to stay. Recently, I was texting with a friend and I found myself saying, “Contentment is the best feeling there is. It’s like happiness with sprinkles on top.” As I think about it now, contentment is really the whole cake. Being content with who you are and where your life is headed gives you the best kind of peace you could ever have.

This time last year, I was far from content. I really thought I was happily married. I thought the guy I had was perfect and that we were truly matched well. I just thought I was in a rut in my life that I was waiting to be pulled out of. I was constantly unhappy, and I blamed it all on one thing: my weight. What I didn’t realize at the time was that there were things going on underneath our marriage that I couldn’t see. A good friend whom I recently reconnected with summed it all up in one word: neglect. Ouch. Everyone else who saw my relationship seemed to see and think what I did, but this one person wrapped it all up. It was actually really freeing to finally come away from a conversation about my divorce that didn’t leave me wondering how I had intuitively known something was wrong, but still couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

When I figured out exactly what the neglect was, I will admit, it felt like getting the rug ripped out from under me. It was slightly heartbreaking, but at the same time, I knew I couldn’t take it personally. I couldn’t stick it on myself and wear it like Hester Prynne’s “A.” It wasn’t mine to wear, and if I told myself it was, I knew that was leading down a very dangerous path.

I was terrified of using the “d” word. In a marriage, there’s no coming back from it once it’s out there. But, I knew in my heart it was the right thing, so when I got up the courage that one sunny morning in October and finally said the words, I can only tell you that it felt like jumping off a cliff and sprouting wings I didn’t know I had.

As I began to move on and I started thinking about the next chapter of my life, it began to feel like this free and precious do-over. All those things I feel I did wrong 10 years ago are things I’m getting a free pass for now.

For starters, 10 years ago, I had no idea how to be single. I was extremely self-conscious, and I desperately wanted to get married and have children. My new friend, Contentment, was nowhere in sight. “The One” was all I thought about. I wanted to relax and trust that God already had this in mind for me and that it would happen at the right time, but I couldn’t make myself just calm down and wait. I didn’t feel peace in who I was because I didn’t really know, value, or understand her. I didn’t recognize that the same unique beauty and wonderful way of looking at life that I so admired in others was already within myself.

Instead, I yearned to talk to an older version of myself. I wanted to ask her so many questions: Do I get the guy? Who do I marry? What’s he like? When do I meet him? What do I look like now? Am I thin or did I “let myself go?” Am I happy? Do I have children? How many? What are their names?

You get the picture.

I ruined some of my very best years just worrying about the future. When I met and fell in love with my ex-husband and we got married, I regretted my wasted years. I yearned to go back in time and tell my younger self to cool it. I wanted to go back and tell her that God has it all figured out the way I always knew He did. I wanted to tell myself to treasure who I was. I didn’t need a man by my side for the world to see that.

When my marriage didn’t work out, I knew this uncertainty was the first thing I wanted to address, but the truth was, it had already been done for me. Standing up for myself and going through the divorce gave me that gift.

Suddenly, I realized I didn’t need to change anything to recognize who I was. She had been there all along. Now, I’m not saying I don’t need a few tweaks. I do. In fact, there are some really big ones that I’ve already started working on. But that happiness with and within yourself has become a much better starting point than, “I’ll be happy when X happens.”

So now you’re probably wondering what these tweaks are. Well, remember all that eating to fill the void I did? Yeah, well, it doesn’t go anywhere. When you don’t deal with it, it sits on you and screams, “Deal with me,” until you do.

Step 1: Lose the weight.

Now, I know what everyone says. “You’re already beautiful as you are.” “You don’t need to be a certain weight to date.” “Your man should love you anyway.” Blah blah blah. I get it. Really. I do. And I understand that this comes from a place of love, but you know what? I don’t want the excess. It’s not heathy or good for me. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m giving the world the best version of myself. That is just sad. And selfish, really. I’m denying the world the real me. Who wants to say that?

Knowing this isn’t who I really am makes it feel awkward when someone does like my personality so much he’s willing to look past the pounds in front of him. It makes me just want to say, “Ew. No. Come back to me in a few months. Then we can talk about dinner.”

So, with that said, I am super pumped for the world to meet (see) the real Lauren Kelly. Just you wait. She’s going to blow your mind…and probably mine, too. And…just in case it’s entertaining or maybe inspiring, I’ll keep writing it all down so you can come along with me as the changes take form.

#onestepatatime