Why Your Marriage Should Come Before Your Kids (Yes, Really)

Recently, I saw a post from Sahil Bloom on Instagram: 10 Pieces of Relationship Advice Everyone Needs to Hear from Couples Married 50+ Years. Every piece of wisdom felt like gold, but one line in particular hit me:

“Never stop dating. Marriages don’t get boring — you stop trying.”

That advice stuck with me. In fact, it inspired this post, which might ruffle a few feathers: Your marriage should come first – not your children.

Yes, I know. That’s a bold statement in a world that tells us our children should be our everything.

You might already be mentally arguing with me.

• “My children rely on me for everything – they have to come first.”
• “You don’t have kids, so what do you know?”
• “My spouse doesn’t show up the way they should – someone has to put the kids first.”

And I hear you.

Let me clarify: I’m not saying your children don’t matter. I’m not saying you should neglect their needs or ignore their emotional development. What I am saying is that if you don’t prioritize your marriage, everything else — including your parenting — suffers.

I don’t speak as a parent. I speak as a child of two parents who intentionally, deliberately, and consistently put their marriage first — and I’m grateful they did.

A Home Where the Marriage Came First

My brother and I were absolutely a priority in our home — we were well-loved, supported, and cared for. But we were not the center of the universe. That title belonged to the marriage of my parents.

They went on dates. They touched each other affectionately. They smiled when the other walked into the room. They didn’t just love each other — they liked each other.

And here’s something extraordinary: my parents have never had a fight. That doesn’t mean they always agreed — of course not. But when they disagreed, they did so with love and respect. There was no yelling, no name-calling, no icy silence. Just calm, honest conversations where both people felt heard.

As a little girl, I would watch my mom get dressed for a date with my dad. I remember the scent of Chanel No.19 as she kissed me goodbye and reminded me to be kind to the babysitter. My dad would be waiting, car keys in hand, ready to take her out for the evening.

And while I occasionally felt sad to be left behind, something inside me felt deeply secure. My parents wanted to spend time together. They were investing in each other, and that meant our home had a strong, steady foundation.

What Happens When Kids Come First — Always

I’ve seen the other side, too. I’ve seen what happens when couples push each other down the priority list — when children become the sun around which both parents orbit.

Here’s what I often notice in those families:

• Date night gets canceled because the sitter fell through — again.
• The kids sleep in the bed every night, leaving no room (physically or emotionally) for intimacy.
• Conversations revolve around homework, activities, and logistics — not dreams, desires, or shared goals.
• Physical touch becomes rare, or purely functional.
• Resentment grows, slowly and quietly.

This dynamic often feels noble or selfless. “We’re giving our kids everything,” parents say. But at what cost?

Kids who grow up as the center of the universe don’t always thrive. In fact, child psychologists have found that children raised in homes where the parents have a strong, stable, loving relationship often feel more secure and less anxious than those who are over-indulged or placed on a pedestal.

A study published in The Journal of Family Psychology found that children whose parents had a high-quality marriage were more likely to experience emotional stability, perform better academically, and develop healthier relationships themselves.

On the flip side, research shows that marital conflict and emotional distance can negatively impact children’s development — even when parents believe they’re shielding their kids from it.

You may think you’re doing your children a favor by giving them everything and putting them first. But sometimes, the greatest gift you can give them is showing them what love looks like between two adults.

Marriage Is a Living Thing — You Have to Feed It

Relationships require intention. Just like a plant needs sunlight and water, a marriage needs time, affection, communication, and yes — romance.

Marriage doesn’t thrive on autopilot. It doesn’t stay healthy when it’s only getting the scraps of your energy after a day of parenting.

You don’t need lavish vacations (although I do recommend one child-free trip a year if you can swing it). You need consistent, small acts of investment:

• A monthly date night
• Touching base every day without distractions (yes, even for 10 minutes)
• Sleeping in the same bed — without kids
• Making time for sex, even when you’re tired
• Asking questions like, “How are you doing?”
• Speaking to each other with kindness, even in stress

Let your children see affection. Let them see you hug, kiss, laugh, flirt. Let them see you disagree respectfully. Show them what long-term love actually looks like.

And let them see you choose each other — over and over again.

“But My Spouse Won’t Help — I Have to Prioritize the Kids”

This is a real challenge, and I don’t want to gloss over it. If your partner isn’t pulling his or her weight, emotionally, physically, or practically, it’s incredibly hard to pour energy into the marriage.

But even in these situations, it’s important to draw boundaries and communicate openly. Putting your marriage first doesn’t mean tolerating disrespect or imbalance. It means fighting for connection where it’s possible — and sometimes, seeking help when it’s not.

Couples therapy is not just for crisis mode. It can be a proactive tool for learning to connect again. And for those parenting solo in a marriage, it might be the lifeline your relationship needs.

Kids Learn Love by Watching You

Perhaps the most important reason to put your marriage first is this: Your children will model their future relationships on the one they watched growing up.

If they see affection, teamwork, and playfulness between their parents, they will carry those expectations into adulthood. If they see disconnection, resentment, or emotional distance, they may normalize that, too.

You’re not just raising children — you’re raising future spouses. Future parents. Future humans who will learn how to love by watching you.

So ask yourself: What kind of love do I want them to imitate?

The Long Game: What Happens After They Leave?

There’s another reason to prioritize your spouse: Your children will leave one day.

They will grow up and move out. And when they do, what will be left between you and your partner? Too many couples become strangers once the nest is empty. They’ve poured every ounce of energy into the kids, and now that the kids are gone, they’re left with someone they barely know.

You don’t want to start over after 20 years of parenting. You want to keep going — together, hand in hand, into the next phase.

Choosing Each Other Isn’t Selfish — It’s Smart

Let me say this one more time, as clearly as I can: Putting your marriage first doesn’t mean loving your children less. It means loving them better.

A healthy, thriving marriage creates a home that feels safe and steady. It models what respect and affection look like. It shows your kids how to have hard conversations, how to laugh together, how to forgive.

It reminds them that love isn’t just something you say — it’s something you choose, over and over, even when it’s hard.

So go on that date night. Hold hands. Take the trip. Close the bedroom door.

Let your children see you choose each other — because one day, they’ll have to choose too. And when they do, may they remember what love looks like — because you showed them.