Russ: He keeps asking about his future…my past. I haven’t really told him much.

Deirdre: Good.

Russ: Good? You think that’s good? Why? What would you do?

Deirdre: If little Deirdre was suddenly here? Bursting out of her St. Mary’s uniform? Asking me what comes next?

Russ: Yeah.

Deirdre: I’d say, “Baby, don’t you worry about a thing. Everything’s just going to be great.”

-The Kid

Single. Never did I ever think this word would describe my relationship status again, but here I am. Single. And divorced. And you know what? It feels fantastic.

Actually, there’s a beautiful new word that has recently made a new home in my vocabulary. Contentment. I do love her so very much, and I’m so grateful that she’s here to stay. Recently, I was texting with a friend and I found myself saying, “Contentment is the best feeling there is. It’s like happiness with sprinkles on top.” As I think about it now, contentment is really the whole cake. Being content with who you are and where your life is headed gives you the best kind of peace you could ever have.

This time last year, I was far from content. I really thought I was happily married. I thought the guy I had was perfect and that we were truly matched well. I just thought I was in a rut in my life that I was waiting to be pulled out of. I was constantly unhappy, and I blamed it all on one thing: my weight. What I didn’t realize at the time was that there were things going on underneath our marriage that I couldn’t see. A good friend whom I recently reconnected with summed it all up in one word: neglect. Ouch. Everyone else who saw my relationship seemed to see and think what I did, but this one person wrapped it all up. It was actually really freeing to finally come away from a conversation about my divorce that didn’t leave me wondering how I had intuitively known something was wrong, but still couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

When I figured out exactly what the neglect was, I will admit, it felt like getting the rug ripped out from under me. It was slightly heartbreaking, but at the same time, I knew I couldn’t take it personally. I couldn’t stick it on myself and wear it like Hester Prynne’s “A.” It wasn’t mine to wear, and if I told myself it was, I knew that was leading down a very dangerous path.

I was terrified of using the “d” word. In a marriage, there’s no coming back from it once it’s out there. But, I knew in my heart it was the right thing, so when I got up the courage that one sunny morning in October and finally said the words, I can only tell you that it felt like jumping off a cliff and sprouting wings I didn’t know I had.

As I began to move on and I started thinking about the next chapter of my life, it began to feel like this free and precious do-over. All those things I feel I did wrong 10 years ago are things I’m getting a free pass for now.

For starters, 10 years ago, I had no idea how to be single. I was extremely self-conscious, and I desperately wanted to get married and have children. My new friend, Contentment, was nowhere in sight. “The One” was all I thought about. I wanted to relax and trust that God already had this in mind for me and that it would happen at the right time, but I couldn’t make myself just calm down and wait. I didn’t feel peace in who I was because I didn’t really know, value, or understand her. I didn’t recognize that the same unique beauty and wonderful way of looking at life that I so admired in others was already within myself.

Instead, I yearned to talk to an older version of myself. I wanted to ask her so many questions: Do I get the guy? Who do I marry? What’s he like? When do I meet him? What do I look like now? Am I thin or did I “let myself go?” Am I happy? Do I have children? How many? What are their names?

You get the picture.

I ruined some of my very best years just worrying about the future. When I met and fell in love with my ex-husband and we got married, I regretted my wasted years. I yearned to go back in time and tell my younger self to cool it. I wanted to go back and tell her that God has it all figured out the way I always knew He did. I wanted to tell myself to treasure who I was. I didn’t need a man by my side for the world to see that.

When my marriage didn’t work out, I knew this uncertainty was the first thing I wanted to address, but the truth was, it had already been done for me. Standing up for myself and going through the divorce gave me that gift.

Suddenly, I realized I didn’t need to change anything to recognize who I was. She had been there all along. Now, I’m not saying I don’t need a few tweaks. I do. In fact, there are some really big ones that I’ve already started working on. But that happiness with and within yourself has become a much better starting point than, “I’ll be happy when X happens.”

So now you’re probably wondering what these tweaks are. Well, remember all that eating to fill the void I did? Yeah, well, it doesn’t go anywhere. When you don’t deal with it, it sits on you and screams, “Deal with me,” until you do.

Step 1: Lose the weight.

Now, I know what everyone says. “You’re already beautiful as you are.” “You don’t need to be a certain weight to date.” “Your man should love you anyway.” Blah blah blah. I get it. Really. I do. And I understand that this comes from a place of love, but you know what? I don’t want the excess. It’s not heathy or good for me. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m giving the world the best version of myself. That is just sad. And selfish, really. I’m denying the world the real me. Who wants to say that?

Knowing this isn’t who I really am makes it feel awkward when someone does like my personality so much he’s willing to look past the pounds in front of him. It makes me just want to say, “Ew. No. Come back to me in a few months. Then we can talk about dinner.”

So, with that said, I am super pumped for the world to meet (see) the real Lauren Kelly. Just you wait. She’s going to blow your mind…and probably mine, too. And…just in case it’s entertaining or maybe inspiring, I’ll keep writing it all down so you can come along with me as the changes take form.

#onestepatatime