“I don’t think anyone ever imagines on their wedding day they’ll be part of the 46% that doesn’t live happily ever after.” – Definitely, Maybe

I got divorced almost ten years ago. And while divorce is never easy, I was as fortunate as someone can be in the middle of something so painful. It was quiet, uncomplicated, and surprisingly quick. From the moment I told my husband I wanted a divorce to the day a judge finalized it, only about four months passed.

I kept the process quiet on purpose. My ex-husband was going through criminal proceedings at the time, and adding a public divorce on top of that would not have helped him. Protecting him felt like the right thing to do.

If you’re curious, the “46%” quoted in Definitely, Maybe (2008) isn’t accurate anymore. A quick Google search can tell you today, the divorce rate for first marriages is closer to 41–43%. It rises to about 60% for second marriages and 73% for third. But because fewer people enter second and third marriages, those higher numbers aren’t as shocking as they seem.

Another statistic: women initiate about 70% of divorces, and 90% of those women are college-educated. Many feel exhausted by a partner unwilling to improve the relationship. I fell under a different category — the “cheated on” umbrella.

Even so, I had what’s called an amicable divorce: both spouses agree on the major terms without fighting it out in court.

How do you navigate something like that? How do you stay civil during what feels like a breakup on steroids?

There were a few things that helped.

1. Remember the love that once existed. At some point, you loved this person enough to join your life with theirs. You blended families, made vows, and built a future together. You don’t have to love them now — and for many couples, that’s not possible — but remembering that love once existed can soften the edges. My goal was to end things in the least painful way possible.

2. Keep the legal process simple and quick. Once I made the decision, I didn’t want a long, drawn-out ordeal. There’s already so much emotional sorting to do. Getting the legal part out of the way lifted a huge weight.

3. Stay civil and talk through what you want. This is harder if only one person wants the divorce. But if you both agree it’s the right path, it becomes easier to agree on other things. I was lucky: we had no property and no children, which are often the biggest sources of conflict. While my ex didn’t want the divorce at first, he eventually agreed it was the best course of action.

4. Use your resources. Divorce can be expensive — even amicable ones can cost around $10,000. I reached out to a friend who’s a lawyer, hoping she could point me in the right direction. As it turned out, she practices Family Law. She knew both of us, trusted us not to fight, and offered to handle the divorce for only the filing fee.

That’s how I got divorced for $300.

You may not have the same situation, but use who you know. A good lawyer makes all the difference.

5. Prepare to divide everything you own. You’ll have to list every single thing you own together and decide who gets what. This is where emotions can spiral. Try to leave hurt and anger at the door. Focus on what you need to move forward — not on what will hurt your ex.

My ex couldn’t take much with him, so most things went to me. And honestly, a lot of it I didn’t want. It reminded me of how I got it. So think carefully about what you truly want to carry into your next chapter.

Because you will move on.

Ten years later, I’m engaged after seven years with someone who feels like he was made for me. My ex is married and living over 2,000 miles away. Life moves forward.

6. Leave your marriage in the past. When you meet someone new — and you likely will — don’t bring your old marriage into that relationship. It’s not fair to you or your partner. Not everyone is like your ex. If you were with someone who wasn’t good to you, you can absolutely find someone who is.

And if there are things you could have done better, work on them now. You never know when you’ll meet someone special and wish you had your s*it together.

7. If you want your name back, put it in the decree. This is a small detail that makes a huge difference. If you changed your name when you got married and want to change it back, have your lawyer include it in the divorce decree. Once it’s in a legal document, the process becomes incredibly easy.

I mailed my social security card with my decree and received a new card with my original name. Updating my license and passport was simple after that.

If you need help remembering everywhere your name appears, services like MissNowMrs or Newly Named can generate forms and checklists based on your location.

8. Use the time to rediscover yourself. I looked at my divorce as an opportunity. Before I got married, I never enjoyed being single. After my divorce, I realized I had a second chance to do it differently.

I spent time alone. I asked myself what I wanted. I questioned whether I even wanted to get married again. I learned who I was without being part of a “we.” I fell back in love with myself.

And eventually, I fell in love with someone who had been my best friend — the greatest gift.

Divorce can be messy, and the process is rarely fun. But I hope this helps if you’re in a season that feels heavy and uncertain. Wishing you clarity, strength, and gentleness with yourself. And if you have questions, please reach out.